First let me start by saying, this is not a story about me. This is a story of how God took a broken soul, and gave them meaning. He grabbed my life and redirected it towards Him. This is a story of how God works. And I just happened to have been along for this crazy ride called life...
"Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name; make known His deeds among the peoples!" -1st Chronicles 16:8
I
was raised in a conservative Christian home, we went to church twice on
Sunday's, Sunday school, youth groups, bible studies, my family was
always involved in the church... But that didn't make me a Christian. When I
was going into 6th grade I was emotionally and sexually abused by a family
friend. After the abuse I felt very unclean and worthless. I had few friends
when I was in 6th grade, I was very awkward and shy. I didn't know who I was
anymore. I was the girl who dreaded lunch or any free time at school because it
meant I would be sitting all by myself or worse, I'd get bullied, which
happened often. In 7th grade I decided that I was going to try and make
friends, so I started sitting at a new lunch table. At the time I thought I was
cool because I was hanging out with people for once! I had friends for the
first time and that was a new concept for me. But it felt nice. So even though
they weren't living like Christians at least I had friends to sit with and
someone sticking up for me when the bullies started attacking.
When
I started high school I was living a double life. On one side I had my friends
from church who tried keeping my accountable, and on the other side I had
friends that I thought to be popular. I chose to dump my church friends for
popularity. We started drinking and messing around with guys. But we thought it
was okay because we weren't having sex and we weren't drinking every weekend.
However it didn't take long for the drinking to become a weekly thing, the
messing around to turn into having sex, and then drugs came into the mix. It
became a daily routine for me. My goal was always a temporary high. That's what
I craved! I didn't care if it was coming from a bottle, a guy, or a drug; at
that point in my life I hated myself so much that I thought this was the only
way out.
When
I was 16 I had a boyfriend who I thought he was absolutely the one for me! I
felt like I was in love for the first time in my life. After 4.5 months of
dating the partying caught up with us and he left me for drugs. I was pregnant
when he left me, he didn't know it at the time. 2 weeks after we broke up I
told him and he got angry. He thought I was just trying to get him to come back
to me, he told me to get an abortion because he didn't want me or a baby to
ruin his life. That was the last time I spoke to him. I went into a deep
depression, I quit smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. As depressed and alone
as I felt I knew that I had to take care of this baby. But after 8 weeks I had
a miscarriage. To this day I mourn the loss of my baby, but I know that he/she
is with God and one day I'll have the opportunity to hold my unborn child. That
depression got so much worse after the loss of my child. I felt like there was no reason to live anymore... And that's where God stepped in.
I
decided that I wanted to leave for the summer and I knew the only place my
parents would let me go is Victory. So I decided to apply, selfishly. But when
I got here at age 17, God broke me down! He used my selfishness for His glory,
and I felt more love in the first few days than I had ever felt in my entire
life. What was this love?! People genuinely loved me and cared for me. They wanted what was best for
me. I couldn't understand it, but it became very clear to me that God's love
has no boundaries. At 17 years old I truly started living for Christ, and it
was more than just faith, it was a real relationship.
I
graduated high school the next year and came back up to Victory and had an
amazing summer! God taught me so much about being a leader and sharing the
gospel with everyone, not only your campers. After the summer of 2011 I decided
that my time at Victory was over. I felt like I was done, I needed to get a job
and start living in the "work world." When I told this to my best friend, Lieu,
she told me to continue to pray about it. I wasn't thrilled, I felt like I was
done and had made my decision. But because I said I would I prayed a short
prayer and went on with my day. A few nights later I had a dream unlike any
dream I have ever had! In my dream I was talking to God. I gave Him all of my
excuses for not coming up to Victory, and He basically told me to be still and
listen.. He told me that He was going to be doing some awesome things up at
Victory this year and He needed me to be a part of them. I woke up the next
morning, called Lieu, and told her I got slapped in the face be God, and it was
amazing!
Then
it was laid upon my heart to move up to Victory and stay for a year for an
internship. I filled out my application, so nervous but also super excited to
see what God was going to do! But I woke up at 5:38 am on February 22, 2012 to
a text from my best friends mom. My best friend was in the hospital, he tried
to commit suicide. I was the last person to talk with him. He took a handful of
pills literally a few minutes after we got done Skyping the night before. He
had decided that because I was moving to Alaska, he was losing his best friend,
and his life was meaningless. He blamed me for his attempt to end his life. In
my heart I knew that it wasn't my fault, but in my head, the devil continued to
blame me. After some counseling and medication for his depression, the real
reason came out for his depression and it had nothing to do with me leaving.
I
was accepted to Victory and moved up to Alaska on May 26, 2012. That year was
one of the most challenging years of my life yet. I was tested in ways I never
thought possible. On Easter Sunday I was in a snow machine accident, I was sent
to the hospital via ambulance where I was diagnosed with a bruised tailbone,
concussion, compressed spine, and I sprained the muscles in my lower back. I
was put on bed rest for about a month. The accident challenged me in so many
ways. No longer could I walk everywhere I wanted and I was in constant pain. But
the hardest thing about the accident was becoming limited. But I
came to trust God more! Clearly there is a rhyme and reason for why He let this
happen. Instead of running around like I’d like to be able to do, I was forced
to sit and reflect more on what God wants for my life.
God
was with me in the good and He never left me in the bad. I started thinking
about my life in this ministry. It quickly became clear to me that I wasn't
meant to spend just one year at victory and be done. I started thinking a lot
about the life God wanted for me. Would I ever be okay not being in this
ministry? I began to wonder how much longer I was going to be on this earth
for. Maybe I only have five years, maybe I have 55 more years to go. But I know
that I am called to Victory Ministries of Alaska. I need to spend every day The
Lord wakes me up, serving Him in this ministry.
The world tries to tell people like me
that I have too much baggage, that no one could love a person with such a
wretched past. Do you want to know what I have to say about that? I’m sorry you
feel that way. I’m sorry you can’t look past the struggles of my past to see
the person God shaped me to be. My Lord never left me, He allowed me to go
through these struggles so that I could grow closer to Him. He has a plan, and
I’m blessed to be part of it.
My
life verse is Philippians 2:14&15 which states;
“Do
everything without arguing and complaining, so that you may become blameless
and pure, children of God, without fault in a crooked and depraved generation,
in which you shine like stars in the universe.”
Where ever God leads you, wherever God
leads me, we need to shine our lights for all to see. Like in Matthew 20, we
must Be Different. God didn't put us on this earth to just go through the
motions of everyday life. We’re called to serve Him.
Where has God brought you? As
believers we need to share our experiences with others so they can hear the
truth! They can see where you've been and how Christ delivered you through it.
It is our job to share with everyone our experiences! God uses us in different
ways. We need to tell others of God's love, grace, and forgiveness. So that
others can see Christ in us.
